Days 19 & 20: Ugh.

So yeah, here we are, three weeks in, and dateless.  Those of you are reading this and don't like me: good for you. Those of you who are reading this and possibly rooting for me: f*ck.


Although I can't say I've gone out every night, I've done a decent amount of going out, and I'm kind of over going out.  It's definitely not the best way to meet people, here, at this age, at this time, and furthermore, it's defeating and frustrating.  Like I said: I could stop eating or stop thinking, but save for wasting away or pretending to have an IQ of a brick, I am not sure that I'm going to meet someone randomly in public.  I started this blog for several reasons: to process a heartbreak, to see something through, and to make myself write.


I've always wanted to write.  I don't know.  It's always been a way for me to escape / let people in.  I've been the sort of student who was interested in everything, passionate about it all, partially perhaps for the sake of pleasing, but underneath, because I loved inquiry and discovery and revelation.  I hit a point in college where a good deal of what I believed crumbled, for various reasons, many of them having to do with the sanctity with which I upheld men.  And by that, I mean it was with a great amount of struggle and pain that I achingly waded through the piercing gulf that is finding yourself in a place where no one else can reach you, for reasons you cannot define.  It became glaringly clear to me that NO ONE will hold me up.  This life is mine, to uphold, to carry, to profligate with words, with raw emotion.  I have to be enough.  No one else will be.


So.  If this intimidates you, or irks you, or tells you to file me away in the hates-men category, I understand.  But it's not without reason or virtue that I find myself here, 27, alone, single, and honestly unable to find a random date to a wedding.  Is that pathetic?  Maybe.  Is it relatable?  Hopefully.  Is it without a story and a history?  No.  Everything has a history.  Everyone has a story.  It's our purpose in this life to uncover as many stories as we can, to link together as many histories as we can, and form a synergistic, energized, life-fueled purpose to understand who we are and where to go.  I guess I need to just keep going.