This "Doing it for the blog" business is getting expensive and exhausting. Even though I like to think of myself as fancy and fabulous, at the end of the day, I'm still just a teacher (and not even a licensed one at that!), spending my days holding afloat children with autism, and sometimes not being able to find the remaining energy to take care of myself. After a day of expending all your emotional resources to stabilize someone else's needs, it's sometimes really hard to pull together enough faith in yourself (and enough energy to change your clothes and get your ass off the couch) to go out and put yourself out there. I know that's not a blog-worthy sentiment, but it's just the truth.
I'm not sure why, but I sort of assumed at the start of this project that people would be lining up at the door. False! Even going out, with the exception of Zygote (F minus for him), nobody has offered to buy my friend(s) and me drinks. I just think Cleveland's not that kind of city. It's very midwestern, family values, socially unadventurous. In New York, Chicago, Boston, it's more common and acceptable for guys to approach women in bars/restaurants/clubs, strike up conversation, and express interest. Here, that's just not really the culture. In fact, guys who do that are generally aware that they seem creepy and too forward. And if they're not aware of that perception, they're definitely not the kind of guy one would want to associate with. As such, the excursions I've gone on have resulted in me picking up my own bar tab, and while in principle, that is absolutely fine (and preferred, especially over having douchebags pick up the tab), it gets prohibitively expensive rather fast. And is probably making me look like an alcoholic. Which is attractive to no one!
I'm also totally disappointed in online dating. Some of my friends who've done it have had some success. Which is encouraging. But I left a so-so relationship, with a good man, intentionally, with the hopes of finding something more complete, more fulfilling. So I'm not out to find someone so-so. (WDP excepting, of course.) Overall, though, I made my profile pretty indicative of who I am and what I'm looking for. It turns out, though, that smart girls are intimidating. Either that, or I'm not pretty enough. And I'd prefer to go with (A). Maybe I just need to move to a bigger city, where people are more interesting and alive and less status quo.
This weekend didn't particularly bring anything new, other than reinforcing what I'd already felt about the difficulty in meeting people here. I'm 27, which might as well be 87 in Cleveland timeline years, because everyone here is married or spoken for by about 24. So it looks like, for the most part, the men who are left are either committed to someone else, divorced (with kids), or seriously questionable. I say that with no disrespect to any possible single men over 24 out there, but really, I know WAY more eligible single women over the age of 24 than men. That could either be my inherent bias, since I know more women, or it could be reality. Either way, it feels like that, which arguably IS reality.
I'm not opposed to asking men out. In fact, with the exception of my most recent relationship, it's been what I've done. I was raised to believe I should wait for no one, and I should speak my mind. I was lucky enough to attend high school at The Ellis School, an all-girls community in Pittsburgh where I learned I am good enough and strong enough and . . . enough. And why should I wait for a man, when I am just as good, if not better, than most men I've met. I say that without judgment or condescension, but really. Let me repeat: I'm just as good, if not better, than most men I've met. Ninety-five percent of the people I work with are women. And we hold ourselves up quite nicely, thank you. We also hold up 107 students, who most people (and society) have written off as not worth it. Guess what. They ARE worth it. They are beautiful people. More importantly, they are CAPABLE people. And guess what. WE are worth it, too. As women, as people, as who we are. Capable (first), smart (second), beautiful (a distant but noteworthy third), worth it, enough. Socially, that isn't the sentiment. Especially here, in Cleveland, at this age. I'm encouraged to wait for a man to tell me I'm worth it, instead of affirming it to myself, or instead of showing him I think HE'S worth it. So I'll play the game, I suppose, and see what happens. So far -- not much.
I wonder if I'm playing the game the right way. I wonder if it's worth it to play it at all. Not playing it doesn't work, but playing it isn't working, either. I guess I could lose 20 lbs., dye my hair blonde, pretend like I don't read literature or keep up on current events and that I liked "50 Shades of Grey." Act like I have no opinions or political leanings or social standards. But . . . no.
I'd rather keep a blog called "Finding A Wedding Date in 30 Days" than have one who's convenient but wrong. I'd rather live my life with intention and hope than settle for available and easy. I guess it comes down to the fact that I feel like I'm capable. And enough. And worth it. And if that means I'll be alone for awhile, so be it. I'd rather it be a choice than a consequence.
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